From the Orifice of the PlaypenThis article is dedicated to our Uncle Barry
Hello fiends of the world and welcome to another edition of the View from
the orifice of the playpen.
Things have been a little tight time. After staring at a V.D.U with something that resembles archaic dos programmes for the past four weeks the last thing I really felt like doing was sitting at the puter for several hours. But after one serious whipping and a drastic threat of no sex for a year if I didn’t get this done I’d have tied my ass to the puter to bring you this instalment.
All I can say about the last month is GOALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!
Yes our dear readers the world cup has been and gone and it was the most exciting world cup I personally have seen in a few years. Things started heating up in this house when the American national team won their first game and Linda became a football hooligan. I would be woken some mornings hearing the smash of plates as someone dare take the football away from that nice Yankee soccer player or the nasty man kicking the very nice blond American player. I have to say that after witnessing with my own eyes an American team that actually knew how to play the game without bending the rules made me kind of interested to see how far they could really go. I just kept my fingers crossed that the Americans and the English teams would never meet. That scenario could have been disastrous for all concerned. But luckily for yours truly both teams were knocked out from the competition in the same round… maybe in four years time I reassured Linda. But it has to be said dear readers that American national team has every right to be proud because they shocked the shit out of a few pompous twits in this country.
Other news this month is Tennis… I am not going to even try and work out the appeal there its all a load of balls. Not even women’s tennis is appealing to me anymore. In fact I think I would rather start a search for that elusive Kevin Costner smash hit movie that watch Wimbledon anymore. Mind you if Tim Henman gets through to the final Heyyyyy all bets are off, I’ll be glued to the old one eyed monster for a couple of hours… national pride and all that jazz.
I was thinking back to my time in the States when I first came over to meet Linda and my first real national event would be the 4th of July celebration. I think that this is a celebration that every country should have. Although I do advise that if you are a Brit in the US on that date and you treat you and yours to an evening out at a fireworks display or some other organized event I do not suggest that you sing God Save The Queen after the national anthem as the threats of the beatings you would receive tend to put a dampener on the evening. Look out for next month’s article for the whole gruesome story of my first Independence Day in the good ol US of A.
Talking of events at the start of June we attended a family gathering to celebrate the wedding of a cousin of mine. This was Linda’s first and probably last chance to see so many of my family in one place at the same time. It was a great weekend and after we had answered the de rigueur questions like
- How does it feel to be back?
- What do you think to England?
- What’s the weather like over there?
- Are you finding it too cold over here?
And finally my personal favourite…
- Why did you come back to this country?
Once we had gotten the pleasantries out of the way I had a chance to introduce Linda to some of the strange folks of my family:
Beginning with my personal favourite my cousin Alison. Bless Al she loves a good old knees up which is the position she spent most of the day - knees in the air being as loud as possible. Alison knows how to have a party and every family needs at least two of them… Alison is one and I am in training to catch up with her.
After the party animal there’s the rugged outdoorsy type geezer. That would be my cousin Robbie. Robbie has always been an outdoorsy type geezer… and no I don’t mean every three hours he shoots water 20 feet in the air for passing Japanese tourists… mind you I bet he could do it after a few beers. Robbie knows how to have a good time.
My family mean so much to me and too see them all together, Linda claims, is to see where the joy and fun loving spirit she has found in my mother and myself comes from. There are far too many people on that side of the family to mention them all but they all know that they are loved. I think they were kind of relieved to see me settle down with such a nice girl… (an auntie said that to me.)
Even though this was a family wedding it was not the only reason 95% of the family turned out.
Barry, to me, was never a candidate for cancer. He worked hard didn’t drink too much, ate healthily, ok he smoked but so do 20 million other people. This was a bolt from the blue. Barry being in the building trade for most of his life was exposed to serious amounts of asbestos over the years and this unfortunately has taken the ultimate toll on his body. As I said this isn’t about the ravages of cancer this is about the spirit that lives within us all. If you don’t know what it is take a long hard look after you read this and find it.
Barry is a massive Elvis fan, and who isn’t (and if your not shame on you)? It was Barry’s dream to visit Gracelands Elvis’ home. Not an overly lavish dream to have. I guess he had other dreams but this one I know he would dearly have loved to have fulfilled.
When I was younger I remember asking Barry what the picture of him and an old fella on the wall was all about. His face lit up as he told the tale of meeting Charlie Hodge (one of the Memphis mafia and the guy who handed Elvis his scarf’s onstage) and being shown the soon to be unveiled over life size bronze statue that had been commissioned by ‘Elvisley Yours’ to celebrate an anniversary of some kind or other. The statue was being unveiled somewhere in England and Barry and his wife Eileen had been invited to attend. It was a cherished moment in Barry’s life and one of his dreams was fulfilled that day. As far as I know that picture of Barry, Charlie Hodge and The Bronze Elvis still hangs over the fireplace in pride of place in Barry’s living room. And so it should… just to be a reminder to all who visit that dreams could come true if you want them too.
We don’t know how long Barry has left to live, but I do know that if there was some way for him to read this I want to thank him for being an inspiration to me and most likely to all the other cousins and nephews nieces and family that knows him. Bless ya Unc.
Uncle Barry has been very ill over the past year, diagnosed with Asbestosis related cancer. I don’t want and won’t dwell on the evils of cancer because that doesn’t do his memory any justice. Suffice to say donate what you can to your local cancer charity please as you never know when you may need their help.
While we were visiting family I decided to treat Linda to her first day at the seaside. For those of you who have no idea what a day out at the seaside means, basically it’s walking on the beach at the side of the sea. A vacation at the seaside was, at the latter end of the 19th century and up till the mid 60’s, the be all and end all of the summer months in Britain. To anyone under 35 nowadays a trip to the seaside includes eating sickly candy-floss (cotton candy) and Sticks of peppermint rock (rock candy), playing in the amusement arcades and trips to static fun fairs. I guess if you think of the town in the movie The Lost Boys you will get a good idea of a seaside town without the blood-sucking vampires. To replace the vampires in Seaside towns here we have thieving seagulls that have no qualms in swooping down and stealing your bag of fries that you are eating on the promenade.
Our visit to the seaside encompassed 4 hours walking along a windswept sea-front and spending far too much in the penny arcade machines. Those 4 hours re-invigorated our batteries that had taken a pretty heavy battering from work of late. We spent 4 hours being totally anonymous with no worries about being anywhere but just there for as long as we liked.
It’s been a pretty good month all in all. I started my new job and Linda has an interview at the start of July and things are starting too look up for us. All we need to do now is start saving for trip back home.
Keep your cuffs on the bedpost and your eye on the door
Linda and Paul.
• Since this writing I have the very sad misfortune to have to amend this article.
On Wednesday July 17th 2002 Barry passed away at the hospice at which he was staying. His close family were by his side to the end.
He is and always will be sorely missed by his family who have lost a treasured member. The people who knew him have lost a dear friend.
In the spirit of Uncle Barry:
He has left the building
And is knocking on heavens door.
He lived a little and loved a little
He was, is and always will be
Loved so tender.
R. Barry Bruce
Rest in Peace
