workday
the white van
was out front
in the pawkin lot
when I pulled up to work
it made me happy
knowing all the nuts would be roaming around
I saw many of them out front
staring up into the sky
smoking & drinking free coffee
I knew janet had bin asking about me
all the girls at work joke that janet is my girlfriend..
she’s from the white van- janet- crazy farm somewhere-
a couple of girls laughed at me as a walked in
Saying..
“your girlfriend is here..”
“yeah, yeah yeah.. whatever, ha” I responded..
fuk, work, bright lites, shit, people..ugh.. janet..
I was placing books of fiction on my cart
To put away on the shelves that wont fit them
When one of the black guys from the white van
Came walking through to the employee only section
He was holding some big coffee table book..
Said to my boss..
“umm, dare be naked people in this book, why ? what naked people in this book sir, just wanted to ask if it were for sale..” slobbering all over his gaping mouth drool..
my boss told him it was for sale..all nervous like
“shouldn’t have naked people in books, dam not right…”
the crazy black man from the white van walked off, still holding the book..
my boss looked over at me,
I was already staring at him… my boss, hungover..me..
i stare a lot...
we had a silent smile.. but couldn’t speak words..
housewives digging through the danielle steel books on tape, within inches..
I walked over to my section
& in the middle big wooden table of the bookstore…
Sat janet
With two other men from the white van
One of the men she was with, a black man,
Thinks his dad is chuck Norris
He even brought in a portfolio of his artwork once
100’s of self-drawn pictures -
men with machine guns
while he said…
“yeah, that’s my dad, chuck Norris, yep, here's another one of my dad, chuck Norris…”
on and on and on and on…
me and this lesbian I work with just kept telling him he had a real artistic talent…
than when we got to the end of his photo/ art album,,, he had pictures of old black and white movie star females, and he kept saying…
as he pointed at the pictures..
“yeah, that’s my mom, yeah, that’s my mom, chuck Norris is my dad, but this is my mom here. She was a famous movie star….”
That dude who was obsessed with the large coffee table book of naked Africans, and the guy who thinks chuck Norris is his dad, were all sitting at the table with janet..
Janet, a crazy white woman in her 40’s 50’s 60’s? sat with them.. staring at me, as I walked up to put my books away…her huge gut hanging out of her too small shirt, and her mustard stained filthy sweats, and matted crazy frolicking hair, sticking north south west east..
“Charlie, I just new u would come back!” and she goes into this crazy laugh..
she always thinks im charles manson
“how u doing janet?” I snicker..
“could be better Charlie, my bowels bin acting up again.. and I feel tired and sick”
I try and ignore her, but her eyes are watching my every step.. female employees walk by, snickering and pointing at me..
“fukin horseshit!” the black dude who had the naked book stands up screaming… he struts off outside.. his teeth clattering..
janet looks at me, and does that crazy fukin laugh…
“mr. mr. mr. I told u already I like your butterfly pants and strung fed shoes…”
how am I suppose to respond to that?
I just smile.. and try and put books away..
The chuck Norris dad guy sitting with her still also wears all these retarded looking special Olympics metals all over his neck.. its like all these cheap blue and red and white prizes, that slope down to his massive gut, and at the end of them all are these cheap fake gold looking medals sinking into his sweat ridden gut crack.. I once asked him what they were.. and he said…
“my dads chuck Norris, I got these from karate classes, but those people wont let me go back”
“cool” I responded..
I stopped for minute and wondered if he’s the one that keeps leaving the dirty post cards on the men’s bathroom floor, with wadded up shit and toilet paper I have to clean up everynight..hmm..
So he walks off..
Now its just janet staring at me
Yuppie moms walk by janet.. she says things like
“hi mary sue, member me from Austin college, its me peggy”
the moms look worried, and say, …
“that’s not my name..”
and troddle off to their fukin rich cars and ac’s.. and their damn romance novels that they masturbate to late at night cause there dam husband doctors are off fukin interns with better bodies then the housewives who read the bible and spurt out more sick lil kids to ruin the entire planet.. umm, what… no.,yes.. sorry..
I wonder what Janet’s parents were like…
She’s staring at me, laughing, asking if she can have a sip of my sprite…
“ha, no man, we got water over there” I tell her..
“mr, mr, mr, im getting married soon to Jackie onasis son, from Austin college, Charlie, u always make me feel all warm and, oh, I better stop, im getting married soon.. ouch, my stomach hurts, sure is hot out there Charlie mr..: she says..
I decide to fuk with her
“what do u think they would do if I just started smashing all these books into a wall, and I knocked over the display of books in front of us.. what do u think they would do janet?” I asked her, blinking my eyes all crazy like..
“probably put u in a looney bin mr!” she said laughing
I laughed too..
She’s really quite smart
“mr, mr mr. mr. ..”
“what?” I asked. As I threw a book down to the ground..
staring at her..
“u like your job mr?”
“not really..”
“I didn’t think so Charlie”
“lets run away to mexico together” I say jokingly to her..
she laughs that crazy laugh..
“mr. mr. mr. mr. Charlie, I’d go anywhere on the planet with u..”
shit, now its getting too creepy., I try and put books away,, but feel her eyes on me…
“mr. mr. mr.. mr.. how bout we have a fling or two?”
she asks me
I just stare at her..
“ha, what?’
“or an interlude?”
she smiles.. getting up to release her bowels all over the women’s rest room
I go into the men’s room to piss
But that chuck Norris dude is in one of the stalls taking a huge stinky shit,
I hear him talking to himself , mumbling to himself with his pants down..”
I quickly leave the bathroom, and hold my piss..
Before they leave..
Janet yells at this Indian girl I work with…
“dam northern Germans! So fukin dark skinned! like me! dam northern Germans!”
the girls all snicker, I snicker too
janet is a huge ?
unlike most people today
As the white van gets ready to leave…
I stare out the big Texas bookstore windows
And the chuck Norris dude
Holds Janet’s hand , as they cross over to the white van
I just stare out the windows. Till the van drives off..
Just staring..as about 15 crazies pile in..
My boss is leaving, catches me spacing out on the register..
“what u staring at?”
he asks
“I think u know…” I respond..
“ok then,” he laughs, looking at me like im crazy..
sometimes I wish I could hop on that white van.. and see where it leads…
I open my book im reading at the register…
And the main character is buying his new girlfriend, a dead corpse- a nice pretty red dress, and some black frilly panties.. he makes squirrel stew near the fire.. and pulls the dead girl from addict.. his name is lester…he is a child of god….i think of my break, nachos, and kind buds..
You always
here’s my soul
Here’s my face
hears my heart
Heres my story
hear’s I am
Alive on planet earth
think with it what u want
Here’s my face
hears my thoughts
Heres my cawk
heres my head
half broken
scrambled eggs
hears my empty stomach
growling for some nutrients
other than nicotine & whisky
think with it what u want
here I am
dead in hell on planet earth
staring at this screen
wondering what u smell like
here I am
& I cant stand myself
much longer
heres my wallet
hears my ears
hears my hand
hears my music
hears my story
hears my job
hears my jim beam bottle
hears my fukin hairy nut sack
eat
picks up phone
“I’d like 24 chicken wings,
24 hot-spiced ribs,
some French-fries, some potato salad,
throw in some jalapeno deep fried mushroom rings,”
“sir, sir, can I get your address?”
“my what?”
“your address?”
“no man, im gonna come pick it up”
“can I get your phone number?”
“what for, im coming to pick it up!”
“sir, can I get your phone number?”
“im hungry”
“that’s great sir, but can I get your phone number?”
“8675309”
“would u like anything else tonight sir?”
“im hungry, gonna drive over in 20 minutes, throw some shrimp in there”
“shrimp sir? We don’t have shrimp here…”
“what about hamburgers, those are good, gimmeee one of those…”
“would u like the double beef burger, cheese or no cheese? single burger, with , or with out toppings.. or would u like to try are special triple burger burp texas special.. sir?”
“what? Im hungry, yeah, gimmeee one those things too, I’ll be over to pick it up in ten minutes.. throw some ranch and ketchup in there too ,, ok?”
“sir? Would u like to try our soup chili of the day as well?”
“no, I told u what I want, im coming through the drive through, have it ready…!”
“cash or credit card sit?”
“shut up, im on my way!”
she hangs up
“hey wait”
I say
“I’ll take a bowl of chili too! To go!”
new palace
Slum options
so
went & looked at slum palace 2 bedroom
big fat missing tooth Mexican guy met me there
I talked him down to 350 a month
But I noticed dead cockroaches
The size of my hand in a few spots
of
The rusted old brick wall army bunker type shit hole
Ancient old heaters & air conditioners
All the windows were open
Stained gross carpet and cob webby fridge
Broken cupboards, filthy tile in kitchen..
Greasy gas stove..
I considered all the bars with in a 3 second walk
&
asked if I could get back with him
“yes my friend, but don’t wait to long,
I’m showing it to lots of people,
may get snatched up soon” he grinned,
I want to talk him down to 300
Snatched up my ass, the place is a dump
Walls cracking, paint peeling, spiders..
But u know, home sweet home,
Poor poor poor..
novel
Mumbo
jumbo
It was midnight. I was just starting to get
drunk. When the phone rang. My phone
never rang much. I stared at it. I didn’t
have an answering machine and figured
it would stop ringing after the ninth ring.
It didn’t. I stared at it more. It kept
ringing. My curiosity got the best of me.
I picked it up, slowly putting my ear to
the receiver. I didn’t say a word. I was
nervous. My heart was racing. Then
I hung up. Taking the phone off the hook.
I sat for a while listening to that awful
loud noise of a phone off the hook. I
stared at my apartments lonely walls. I
wondered who would be calling me at
midnight. My only friend had to work
early. I know it couldn’t have been him.
Not Vivo, couldn’t have been. I licked
up the last of the white lines that were
sitting on this half cracked corona mirror
my mother had scored at a garage sale
years ago.
Awake 2 wisdom teeth
poke through gums each
on a separate side
causing puffiness, irritably, & annoyance
you awake hungover on a Sunday
wondering if you even slept all out of
narcotics
also now have stuffed up nose &
stuffed up head a gargantuan infected
bubble like whisky zit on your nose that
your girlfriend keeps saying to “put tea
tree oil on it! Jocko moelocko
feeling out of place
in one’s own skin
crawl along with jock shoes
wondering where
the exit door is
& why anyone cares
about anyone’s body
let alone opinions
on alien treadmills
stop
picking at it!”
it’s time to go to work
at your shit job all day
& deal with happy people
in a shitty way
could drink till the sky blew up
Drink till the bomb was dropped
could sleep till the sun rose
Could fiend till my heart stopped
could drink for no reason at all
Drink till we shared smiles
could wake to the deformed moon
Could do anything in nothing
Couldn’t
It be
Just
Another
Mumbling
Man
Who said
he could
sit alone
and listen
to the waves
that melt
on to the
shore
of my
whisky glass
my boredom
must dive into
the words
in die o log’s
in sheets
that breath
sweat
could eat a stale echo
with deaf screams
lesbians
and loners
reading together
todays bravado bag,
tangled with emotions grasp
yesterdays cavity
sleeps short
from memories
too far gone
lesbian at work
sitting in break rooms
reading Hannah
she smells delicious
me reading Hesse
her breath, an essence
in the warmth
of our minds
entangled in words
my intellect fixated
on her very being
her girlfriend
would kick my ass
she takes a piece
of my calzone
pushing Chinese grub
aside
yet refuses
the red sauce
dip
her smile like
elegance itself
clock stopping
for just
one
splendid hour
miscellany fledging
bits wiggle
round struggles
lost shadow
remembering
miss spoken
language lard
hanging half way
over dangling strings
crack in wall
spreading wider
inside that
galloping sound
on occasion’s
plighted grief strung
knots opera chimed
so we kiss
with no face
forgetting
skin like hives
forgetting
nights so very long
cutting open
blood tickled
sights along back road
hungry falsettos
with lucidity speckle’s
gently trickling
for blues singer
sing that one song
down strepped throats
swirling shoots- ladders
when every noise
makes one want
to crush the cracks
growing in my walls
|
Stop it
the toad flopped down in with what I couldn’t see it all to poster ripped heaven cement ham vitamin lid coffee for when she said do not with curdles back soup today was when justice poking in on out so smoke fueled gork like sad in to be smiled yellow called me ginger head dig that goose wallowed van rides ok ok ok now, cant cause edge of paper burnt shine through jar cracked crystallized meth gone once over there in plane fourth of stuly’s super last wait no, have some chased ran stopped caught breath in excess do question gork if intensive care stroke healing hands grind often with sore daisy done it now could should seen the wiggling sauna frilled alone alive dipped sausage sprout cme go over jump around this cave cotton candy antenna dream word said duck duck goose we all fall down mary lamb bowhead team player no win lose cause yesterdays illumination hollow filled sky changed color wrong exit noose rested sleepless lemonade lips longed protect circle sought sow digging gork gone up altitudes freewarmth humming hissing back step noodle heavy polka dance broken leg cry smash that past drive sunset everywhere snow changed got that yard, two, three, stop stop stop, wait, cups dropped feeled ok ok ok now gork said pull hammer break open touch insides carry away in front shadow gallop skip could have not in pond floating eye twitch more calcium garlic pills ouch, don’t, who did gork said can relax first fish finer talk nail shatter shake roll bubble popped put in pull out mirror sick healthy wrong way up chuck balcony smoke no go home waddle zonkzest pow pow pow fireworks plane hit bomb boom library breath tonsils ache today watch
cops no bang don’t if gork eats those shouldn’t have cause waited sad if happy gone to river feel for corks finished gold china rocks meow tailed along lined upwards foot ahead feel gork don’t eat said sure thing bombs wicks worried who history put brain wired on tap guest what should been there dog ran teeth clattered hopes sing norman flinted hotel lobby plants bottle ice market fresh bones tingle beat heart rapid tug yank anchor it ship splash boom fourth of zulies celebration boom lost loved could gork didn’t want eat sand e mu cme behave bad good ridged cell neutrons absolute hungry today was watch no how to dangle roots fevered hair oil spit cut castles snow men pull tug bam boom careful cause gork jamboree jail regrets remembrance glass broke in streets parades klown man hide to back saddle up boy girl bed TV martinis broad smiles tear rain victim abuser if gork don’t eat galoshes air adapter breath water shark gulf chase drive away lights sky cloud open curtain explode together tweak soft touch calm guitar stringed rapid pulse wrong eat no gork wait sun moon if then they she I could shatter no what now gobble eat bad today if said so watch stop
Rainy daze
i got a holiday today off of work
we get one a month
it’s pretty cool
now I don’t have to call in sick once a month
money, I had, went out on the town,
drove around in this texas flood storm
with no air conditioner in 100 degree plus humidity rain heat
going into different shops,
staring at people, people staring at me,
staring at things I didn’t want to buy
wondering what the hell I was doing out in public,
people really make me nervous,
big crowds of people driving in the rain,
talking on cell phones, all content and frothy happy,
snooping round big corporate places
i looked through all the new movie rentals
For about an hour, kinda stoned..
There was nothing, absolutely nothing
I could sit through
i walked out of the store,
& some
young vagrants were leaning up against a wall
rain pouring down heavily
stupid young kids with baggy pants
and idiotic clothing, piercings,
T-shirts like “Korn, Marilyn Manson”
shit I never listen to
“I like your shoes!”
one of the female vagrants stated
about my chuck taylor black stringed converse
I had been wearing those since 1982
Cause they use to be good skateboard shoes
didn’t realize it was a fashion statement now a days
I walked over to them,
One dude was real skinny and ugly, red head kid,
The other kid, male, was all scraggly looking with greasy hair,
The girl, who was sitting down, had purple hair,
And was sucking on a Newport light,
I just smiled at them, not saying a word,
thinking to myself “the new disinfected youth of corporate mtv America.”
I wanted to barf all over them, and would have, if I could….
“hey buddy, u got a smoke I can bum?”
the ugly red headed stepchild asked,
my eyes were focused on the female
who had complemented me on my sneakers
my sick undersexed mind, wondering how old she was, & if legal?
“yeah dude, I got an extra smoke, follow me to my truck,”
the ugly red headed stepchild followed me,
he wasn’t saying anything, so I broke the ice..
as rain lollopped our heads, we probably both needed a bath anyway.
“so how u doing today?”
I asked
“shit man, fuking broke, got no where to live, hungry.”
he stated, pulling up his stupid looking too big jeans..
I handed him a smoke
Saying
“bin there”
he smiled at me and muttered something under his breath
walking away to his fellow vagrants
I drove away looking in my rear view mirror
& saw them all standing up in the rain
waving at me like maniacs…
“I should have asked them if they knew where to get any good drugs”
I thought, turning left on texas avenue…
i decided to turn around
But all that was left was the rain splattering
Against windshield cement
& the wall of the store
With disappearing vagrants
hope that smoke helped him out
when I got home
I tried on my new t-shirt from wal mart
It was too big
so I washed it and dried it
Now it’s too small
& I lost the receipt
Dead body
the first time I saw a dead body
was in bay city, Michigan,
working as a student emt sort of silly thing,
like my zillionth major in junior colleges
i do have a degree, I have spent half my life
attending junior colleges
and changing my major
in fact it was quite interesting
his name was leo, the dead dude..
he was 71 years of age maybe, short-term memory…..
eyes wide open, thin as a rail,
old, old, worked in toxic factories
for his entire life
cancer of the lungs from poisoning
picture of a thrift shop jesus hung
above his bed, he was dead,
had only died in the last few hours.
his family stood around weeping
in this small bay city house,
after the paramedics I was with
told the family there was nothing we could do
everyone left the room
but leo and me
I stared at his face, I stared at the
piss buckets connecting to his cock,
the diapers, the smell of death, his eyes, and that jesus velvet thing..
i got a chill that ran all the way up my spine
voices in other rooms, distant, I looked behind me.
no one could see me and leo, I wanted to touch a dead man..
i reached my hand out, to feel what his skin felt like..
but instead, my hand automatically closed his scary open eyes.
i thought I saw something move in his bathroom mirror..
I joined the others
In the kitchen of weeping family members
cops showed up, giving me dirty looks.
I had nice short hair, no facial hair..
but I don’t like cops… I sensed what they sensed, ..
that I wasn’t a part of this scene..
i bet leo would have understood me.. if he had been breathing..
anyway, us emt’s and wanna be emts left..
the paramedics made sick twisted jokes about
the entire thing, an everyday occurrence to them..
to me, it’s something I will never forget..
later that night
I was working in the ER
When they brought in another dead guy..
A fresh one
cyanotic, purple, blue, white face..
huge trucker looking dude,
With a big burley belt buckle, dead on arrival..
i got to practice my cpr skill
pumped on that fat fuks chest, staring into his dead eyes
And purple face, for a good hefty 10 minutes..
I had thoughts he would suddenly jump up from the
Er table thing, and grab me, and say some final thought! But he didn’t.. he just laid there, and looked more purple, more dead.. the nurses and doctors, told me that was enough, he was gone, and we put him in this freezing morgue wing of the hospital, as his fat family members all sat around crying.. fukin shit, this was really life, this was really what happens everyday in this faking world. I thought.. it was a lot to deal with, but it was also fascinating.. how many people ever get to see fresh dead bodies, and try and bring them back, then here medical people who have seen it everyday for 15 years tell sick jokes about the stench…I want tacos, im hungry.. nothing, they acted like it was nothing, them freaks in bay city Michigan…
Maybe I need to enter my 12’th year of junior college again, ive majored in everything u could imagine.. and never followed through with anything, but u no what? I seen and learned a lot,, & have decided to be a writer.. maybe.. umm. Maybe major in basket weaving..
some day I just may be a paramedic..
& cut that dam long hair..
drink vinegar
joke around with jocko cops, and join a gym… ha.. ummm..
tacos, plane flights, observations
Sleepy
st johns worts ginsengs bee pollen
dog walks with sunrise
tax returned h and r jip
texas driver license temporary
pizza slice in food court
two new plane t-shirts
100 percent cottons
speaking of cottons
houston only hour away
soak sip sizzle away the need
laundry red faced
stretch muscles
do 5 bench presses
& get out of breath walking 13 steps
empty ashtrays- scrape resin
i’m immune to swaggy dirt weed
shoot
immune to it all, just going through the motions
just on a state fair ride
with map saved, money saved- plans-ideas-
coast calls, oceans, atmospheres other then this
that desire to travel forever
yet temporarily stuck
in this bible belted rich college town
where most 20 something’s have never had a job
never had to pay bills, never had head explosions,
never had to pay for their cars-
those people don’t matter,
those people
have never stopped while taking a walk
to look up at the sun,
to hear the birds and horses make noises,
to be alone on this trail
&
to almost feel ok again
Manic nope rope
feel ill
feel ok
feel sad
feel happy
scared
i’m not scared
block it all out
take it all in
music ok, not ok,
hate myself, love myself
want to die, want to live,
buy knives and guns
throw them away
dig them out the next day
try and talk, don’t talk at all,
nobody likes me, everybody loves me,
People are out to get me
nobody is out to get me
Do drugs, don’t do drugs,
religion, no religion,
stop , what, nope, sane, insane,
normal, music, stop,
Fit in, don’t fit in,
Who cares, maybe cares,
talent, no talent,
It’s all a joke, it’s not all a joke,
I’m ok, im gonna be ok, I’m not ok,
Warm fuzzy vibes, not getting, wait,
Getting, not getting, warm fuzzy vibes,
I’m sorry, I’m not sorry,
this is I, this isn’t me,
Who am I? Who are u?
No one is there, .
where did, wait, it’s a joke,
Its not funny, I’m a joke, I'm not a joke..
take deep breaths, don’t take deep breaths,
Stop laughing at me, keep laughing at me.
don’t cry, cry, wait, im sorry, im not sorry,
Who cares, I care, no I don’t, wait, I do,
rest, don’t rest..
listen to the same song again
No, don’t, change it,
Make a drink, no, u have had enough,
Have not,
Warm fuzzy vibes, not getting..
Write poems, then erase next day
write poems, then erase next day
write stupidity, post them
un post them
doctor says im manic and depressed,
No I’m not, I tell her.
she might be working for them.
Paranoid too,
No I aint.
Im ok, don’t go back
go back
drink, don’t drink
destroy next day…
paint a picture
Burn it tommorow..
calm down, who cares,
cut my skin with new knife
Lick it, don’t lick it, heal, heal....
nobody likes me, everybody loves me
i’m feeling warm and fuzzy, no I’m not…
post this, don’t post this
.
No reason
what’s the reason
we are always broke
always wandering around
always drifting like
burnt ashes flying in the air
after lazy barbecues
near sand & lakes
chewy meat flavored mouths
bowls passed
always writing
down these fantasies
from
THC gooey
whisky fluid over active
quivering brain cells
dwindling like ancient rumors
i think we know
it’s the only thing
that can be called comfort-
or truth for certain rejects
& even still, we twitch,
we laugh, stare, think,
that’s the main thing, think,
keep thinking
even if no one else gets it
cause all along
no one could have expected them to
money makes me ill
money makes me ill
why don’t I ever have any money?
it would kill me if I did,
physically that is.
don’t ever make me rich in material possessions
cause I be too rich in my soul
first
last
& we awake
staring out into the ocean
wondering what the hell happened
Malibu sun
eating away our blemishes
with a full pack of smokes left
