The Zen of Destruction
I was thinking the other day what it must feel like to be hit in the mouth with a hammer. I mean a full on, smack in the teeth with a ball-peen hammer. Would it wake you up? You know, wide ass eye open? Would it knock you silly? See stars, birdies flying around your head?
God I love that name, ball-peen. Sound’s like business to me. Like someone said, “this here tool is going to get shit done, and we need a good fuckin’ name for it.” “Ball-peen, ball-peen……..ball peen”.
What an implement of destruction that is. Made to just beat any material into complete submission. If only I possessed that power within me. I could walk down the street and mortals would cower. I would stand on the highest mountain as the lord of all humanity. Look down upon you all and profess all is well unless you cross me.
But alas, I have to derive my power from a device. My surrogate power is okay with me. Still makes me a man. I have a nice tool.
I got a tool belt at Lowes just to carry mine around in. Brown leather and tanned and shined to a fine gloss with something the salesman said they put on saddles. “Horse”, I asked. “Hell no dumbass, it’s a tool belt, ain’t ya’ paying attention?” I had that one coming I guess...
I go everywhere with it. The belt looks swanky enough and the hammer makes it hang down on my hip like a menacing six-shooter. I am Josey Wales with a nice haircut. I go to Church, The Symphony, and The Water Park. Everywhere.
Carry it to fast food restaurants that aren’t really fast. You know the ones with the asshole kids who suck their teeth at you when you ask for an extra McNugget sauce. “What do you mean I can only get two sauces with my twenty piece?!!?!” Out comes the hammer and smash, there goes the cash register. Peeyow, down goes the McFlurry machine. I spin around and windmill into a gigantic kapow and send the Happy Meal toy display spraying across the restaurant. Broken bits of Lilo and Stitch or Spongebob or whatever the hell cheap shit they’re giving away that week.
That’ll usually get their attention.
Had one kid in Gastonia choke on his tongue piercing one day during my fit of devastation. Only wish I had brought a claw hammer on that occasion. I could have relieved him of that impediment, but the ball peen was there. It’s always there for me. It’s calming to experience acts of devastation.
I like to call it the Zen of destruction.
Encyclopedia
I bought an encyclopedia set from the library. It cost me a dollar for all of them, the whole set. Three weeks ago they wanted five dollars. I decided to wait them out; I knew they would take less. It is from 1975 and I am so thrilled. I don’t mind that it is so old, things really don’t change that much anyway.
The best stuff in encyclopedia’s are maps and war stuff. In this particular set I like reading about Rhodesia and ICBMS’s. I read about them last night. One could actually destroy the other. Think about that. Two totally unrelated things, divided by eight volumes. Destroy each other. I doubt it would ever happen though, things sound so pleasing in Rhodesia.
My favorite volume is P. I always have a favorite volume. Some people have favorite foods, favorite bands, favorite authors, for me it is the volumes. P can be for pigeons or pig iron. Both are fascinating in their own right. Last Week it was I was into R then I changed. I put my favorites in order.
Here they are:
P,l,m,k,o,n,a,d,q,w,x,z,e,c,b,r,t,g,f,h,n,y,b,u,j,i.
My lover is making me throw them out. She said I wasted my dollar. I told her I would throw them out if she made love to me a single time for each volume. She said, “Well how many of them are there?” I said one for every letter in the alphabet. She replied,”Oh, like two hundred?” I said “uh yeah, how remarkable you guessed.”
“Grrrrrrrr”, I said. “I like when you make Tiger sounds,” My lover shot back.
She smiled so big, I put down M and we went off to be sexy.
